transitions.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

those fuckers at fedex claimed that its 14-370 on the airway bill. fuckers. what the hell. so now its my fault? fuckshit.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

FUCK.

and let me tell you one more time.

FedEx
FUCKING SUCKED.

that fucking son of a gun company just fucking screwed everything.

yes. im darn pissed. for a very simple reason. because they cant fucking even deliver a simple thing. yes, that package is important to me. VERY.

how does 04-370 look like 14-370 to anyone. fucking ngentot goblok jancok son of a gun bunch of mofos who cant even do a simple task and call yourself fedex. YES THE WORLD REOWNED FEDEX. such a well known big corporation and they cant even send a fucking easy task. international priority package, yeah right, might as well go fucking lick my ass.

i had to call those idiots all the way from AMERICA to singapore, just to lodge a complain. fucking hell. are those people dumb or what, they can send the package wrongly. and those buggers at 14-370 better not open my package, or im even gonna further screw them up. if i find one missing piece, i swear im gonna curse that son of a bitch fedex for life. those inefficient fedex employees, better get their muddy ass off their seats and start investigating this case. get the fucking package back from 14-370 and deliever it to the right addresss.

fuck. i cant believe im so fucking unlucky to even encounter such piece of shit ass mofos idiots who cant deliver the stuff properly. to make things worse, all the bad things that happened yesterday + my phone cracked and those dumb idiots who added protein powder boost into my drinks further made my day worse. this 2 days, i feel so fucking unlucky. and now i have to resort to use vulgarities to blog. fuckshit.

even untill now, im still fucking pissed.
jackassshit. fuck fucked.

what a !$%#@^$%^ bad day.

wasnt feeling that happy today i guess. a series of unfortunate events happened. not really unfortunate but rather unhappy or whatever you want to call it.

went to school, jeffry had to make some stupid dumb comments and spoil my mood. what an ass.
came back and realized that the item wasnt delieverd properly. i dont know what went wrong, but if it is fedex, i am so going to fucking screw that company up. their so called international priority better not screwed up. but normally the chances of them screwing up, are quite low. man, im really pissed for the day.

saw this phone that i wanted to buy, 9500, and its only for $400. but i don't have guts to buy cause im so afraid that the things they sell would be inferior.

ate carrows for like 3 days in a row. steaks and steaks, and pimples pop out due to excessive consumption of oily food like beef steaks.

**added at 3.52 am **

ok to make things worse, i have 2 big ulcers in my mouth. and there were two insects , 1 spider and another funny creepy shit that could fly. their LEGS are as long as my hair, like 2-3 cm. YES even for the DAMN SPIDER. i killed the spider with the insecticide, and i killed the funny insect with a CARDBOARD. those bloody mofo's had to make my day worse by invading my bedroom. i have absolutely no tolerence for creeping insects.

ahhh what a bad day.
i just feel like banging myself on the wall at times. how bad can this day be. homework and reading assignments not done. man, i just hope tomorrow would be a better day.

p/s: now i have phobia of crawling insects like BIG SPIDERS. yes its BIG. darn it.

Monday, August 29, 2005

now let me count how many cars we have.

BMWS
1 x 745LI
2 x 525i
1 x 545
2 x 323
1 x 330i
1 x M3

Mercedez

1 x CLS500
1 x CLK320
1 x E350
2 x E320
7 x C- CLASS.

the rest are acuras, and hondas and so on.

now i wonder how come they are so rich. man. when will it be my turn to start driving! dad refuses to let me learn driving because im underage. what kind of reason is that.

think im just affected by people surrounding me. their mood and behaviour. and sometimes, i even get jealous of people's possession. people's reaction. people's friends. people's wealth. people's grade. and on and on it goes. man, sometimes i just feel like a total loser. my gpa is a mess. i screwed my studies up. i saw my friend's nick ( summer grade 4.0 ). yeah i got a 4.0 for my summer too, so what, i screwed my first semester up. i dont understand how come people like to boast so much, on their own blog. my primary school friend had to put his bmw, ( which isnt impressive to me ) on his dp, and his 4.0 gpa on his nick. yes he is happy, but when i see that nick i do feel rather insulted at times cause it just makes me wanna puke. why do people have to flaunt about their wealth and on. a way to express themselves? i think maybe i should use my program to blcok out everyone's nick and change it to names instead. crap. people drive cars, i want one too. but mum doesnt allow me to get one untill im out of diablo valley college. its so darn crappy.

jealousy gets you no where. yeah i know, but i cant help to get jealous at times. of people and of the things they had. sometimes, i just want to spend my days happily, but its just so hard. cause sometimes in life there somethings that are just holding you back, responsibilites , fears and etc. my brother said, those people who splurge and spend money arent those that we look up to, cause its not them who are earning money, its their parents. yes i know, but they all had a headstart. i feel stupid, i feel dumb and i dont feel aint healthy and wealthy. so what am i? a total loser or what. i realized that i cant play music, play sports, dont have a collection of anythings, no talent in literature nor math, practically just a jack of all trades master of none. that makes me too ordinary. and its woryying me at times, cause i wonder what am i suppose to do to succeed in life? i know there are more people who are worse off then me, but i cant even handle myself and im suppose to give them my sympathy and console myself that i aint the worse? the only thing i know is that i can procastinate, and talk the not so funny jokes to entertain people. and at the end of the day, i only know that im a humbug-er. i find it so sad that i can find no talent in anything i do. i gave up computer science, started on business administration. and after i graduate, what am i going to do. life just isnt the way i want to.

you know sometimes, when you say you still do miss edi, it really felt like as if someone took a knife and cut a small piece out of my heart. but yeah, its might just be temporary. but i still do feel the pain though.

i don't want to be ordinary. i hate to be ordinary. if i don't even earn more than a million dollars (USD), i'll kill myself.

i feel miserable, sometimes its just so hard to find someone to talk to. no one to talk to , no one to confide to, no one that i can tell my problems too. i just have to sleep and bury everything with me. i could remember many things, im like a 1 terrabyte ( 1000gb )of harddisk where i have videos of my life constantly playing inside my head. format me, ______

when you lose everything, money is everything.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

im so darn tired now. so i shall keep this entry short.

i woke up pretty early today? so its like i went to schoolbookstore with tyo and dwi. bought some books and left for carrols. haha man the food was superb. but too bad tyo couldnt finish the food because of the xxxxx. hahaha its not my fault! * looks around. so we went to k-mart for a walk. haha and the 3 of us went to buy a KEY. this key is pretty special, the whole key was painted and designed, and all of us had a different designs. haha, now our keys looked so cool.

went back, dwi, tyo and amanda came my house. haha amanda is the funny singapore girl that is in dvc. shes pretty close with the indonesians though. haha. yeah, shes like the only singaporeans here. oh well, so she came by just to look at my ... surroundings? haha. we had quite a fun time at my room. doing stupid things like tickling each other. dwi was pretty much nailed down on the bed by me, cause he was trying to be funny and do stupid things. hahaha! went back to dwi's room to fix his computer. oh well, its somewhat fixed, then it crashed again. basket. i just hope that it will be better next time.

*********************

i just woke up, i fell asleep blogging yesterday.

yesterday night, we went to dennys to eat. not really eat, just like talked and have some hotchocs. went back, me and tyo went to see the stars using his telescope. ( not really his, he got it from someone else ). it could like magnify 637 times if im not wrong. we saw this really red star and supposedly mars ( thats if im not wrong ). so i had to do like trial and error. after 1 hour of trial error, we finally got to see the REDSTAR!. oh my god. its so beautiful. we couldnt really get a clear image. but we saw many lines and rocks in the scope. the background were red. it looked pretty much like a red comet. then we see the moon, couldnt really see much. its just a bright yellow image, thats all. partly because its a crescent, thats why we couldnt see the craters. haha but it was really fun trying to find the stars. i wonder who is looking at us when we are looking back at the stars. billions of galaxies out there, im sure somewhere out there , theres another me who is leading a happier life. a replica of me, a happier me.

so many homework to do, 3 essays. im so screwed. so many things to do, yet so little time to finish them ( not really, i wasted too much time ).

Saturday, August 27, 2005

man. i snored in the class yesterday due to the lack of sleep. i was so embarrassed. yesterday there were also orientation for the new kids. so i was there too.

everyone had to stand up and introduce themselves, name, major and where they are from. when aulia stand up, someone shouted " serong! ". it means something like a person who steals other people's boyfriend/girlfriend. man, i know shes in the wrong, but perhaps they could not embarrass her infront of everyone. there were like 100 over indonesians there. man, i feel bad for her. now, aulia and janice. because of love, one man, they ended up in such plight. aulia was labelled the bitch for taking away people's boyfriend and janice was broken hearted. my my, 2 weeks ago. raymond even got slapped by janice. indodvc, if you do something that the indonesian community cannot accept, think you are so screwed. rumours spread like airborne diseases. indonesians are just so so so hypocritical. hypocritical bastards i say. thats why i only trust tyo and maybe dwi. i realized that i cant really fit in into the indonesian communities. like what i told dwi, indonesians are pretty superficial. its all about the money ( most of them ).

the new kids are here, some of them are tikos, some of them dress so nicely, i think they look like ahbengs, and also, there were quite a number of geeks. i dont really have the good impression of them. not only that, to make things worst, this batch of fall05 kids, there arent any girls that are impressive. at least it doesnt appeal to me. don't know why either. ahahahaha. nevermind, lets not talk about girls. girls are nothing but troubles. ( i suppose tyo would put his hands up and say YES they are ).

went to sanjose now, just to take jeffry's cigrattes. saw the winchester house too. creepy indeed, 160room mansion. thats bceause she cant stop builing or else she would die. thats a family curse. freaky freaky freaky. ok nvm, thats not my point.

lets hope that " everything will turn out alright". im already freaking out now because of somethings.

Friday, August 26, 2005

i have the urge to blog, but i dont want to blog cause i dont want to reveal too much. fine, im weird. i want to see aurora . i hope to see it soon, man its just so special and beautiful. so many things in life that i wanna do, i don't know if i have the chance or the time to even go do it.

tyo and i have this very bad eyebags ( he's worse.) due to the lack of sleep. and the thing is that we arent even like studying and we have eyebags. slack and get eyebags. how dumb can we get. anyway, this word dumb. yeah. haha, one of the dumb things that i did, was to go on a diet. yes, its succuessful at this time, shed 1 kg. so its not so bad. i guess its becaues i cant accept the way people accept me? something like that. like, man being so fat is so ashamed. i dont have this problem last time, but now its due to ..... haha. content is censored. but oh well, what to do. and my friends were like asking me, what the hell was i doing, why the hell am i going on a diet. the only reason i told them is because love conquers all( i stole this line from imei to irritate her ) and also i told them im lovesick. haha, it seems they dont buy my story. what can i say when im telling the truth! haha. yes, today we went to eat buffet. while those assholic friends of mine ate chickens and beef, all the oily stuff. i ate like so much veggies and on. its like, hello? when was BUFFET ever healthy, or ever healthy for DARWIN. but today, its amazing. i can stay alive without touching rice. hahaha. i just ate carrot soup with lean pork. its so TASTELESS, cause there isnt much seasoning. went to make my california ID just now, it better get process, or ill burn DMV down.

my my. i had chinese class just now, yes once again its boring. and you know what, there was this pretty abc. shes like 1.8 tall, her complexion is like those of snow white. nice rosy cheeks, thick lips and big eyes. very nice figure, and know how to dress herself up. black bra, white tee ( those super big collar that rest on the shoulder ), low rise jeans with nice pairs of earrings. haha, whta can i say about those abcs. cool and funky. unlike any that i seen in singapore, that you would wanna punch or puke when you see them. ( NOT ALL, oh well. i cant insult singapore now. ) but shes pretty. thats all i can say.

life is pretty much the same anyway. im trying to control myself. yes control myself. lots of things to CONTROL. sometimes, i just want to take a long break. go for a walk in the woods and see aurora with the ones i love. my my, how nice would it be. there are somethings that money can't buy. but its always better off with money though. at least to me, it seems that way. as usual, my old line. life is in a mess, people like me just want more and more. more of everything. maybe i shouldn't make myself so pathetic. i feel bad grumbling and complaining, but yet there are people who are worse out there. but again, there aremore people out there, grumblingover some trivial affairs. thats even dumb. nvm, i shall stop bloggin here. im really really sleepy.

i want to see the start of time.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

i feel damn sleepy now. but i shall blog before i forget whatever i wanted to say today. i had like physics lesson, and it was uber cool. i meant , the teacher was teaching us about astronomy. hahaha, then i realized there were so many things in the world that i dont understand.

jupiter, its like a planet with no surfaces. haha, its like made of liquid and gases. the airpressure there, is like 6-7 times of earth, and before upon entering the atmosphere, the wind is like 700 miles perhour. haha, thats like as good as getting banged by aircraft, ( by the way, a 747 cant even cruise more then 1000km/h ). and also, they might discover a third planet soon!

i always wondered this. when we look out into the sky, with our telescope or our naked eye, we might wonder that maybe the other planets out there, there would be aliens or someone one living there. haha, but who knows at the same time. people from other planets are looking at earth and they go like " wah thats a planet with 3/4 of the surface with water " ( you know they might be vulnerable to WATER while we are vulnerable to their poisonous gases. ) so they would be like, theres aliens staying there, in that planet called earth. but we dont know each other, bceause we are too far apart and our technology do not allow us to go that far. haha, so in that case we might never know each other's existence.

and neptune by clash with pluto, perhaps, by then the impact is so big, the whole galaxy will collaspe. earth will lose gravity, and everyone will just die.

****************************

TODAY i did something pretty sweet and DUMB TODAY.. or maybe its just purely DUMB, i dont know. its just weird. VERY very.

(:

****************************

helped tyo to fix his computer. hahaha, long story about how we go around fixing it. IOMEGA OWNS WD! haha. its like, tyo external harddisk and software programs took 3-4 hours to fix the computer, but it still crashed in the end.

my IOMEGA hdd with the IOMEGA automatic back up pro took merely less than an hour to fix his computer. haha! we were folding stars while we were fixing thecomputers. hahaha, now we have a total of 100 stars, made up of 200 straws. haha, i shall take a picture of it soon. lol.
one thing im glad is that im using IBM. at least this old fashioned engineered computer does not give me problems. and im happy with that. i wanted to blog more, but im too too tired to even blog. low carb you see. hahaha. nights.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

i been blogging everyday, i do think that people arent able to catch up with reading my blog.
maybe today is not such a bad day afterall. hahahahaha. maybe i shouldn't blog too much, or else it will keep the readers BORED.

woke up too early, after finish talking on the phone , i went to dennys today morning with tyo and rico. hahaha, was quite funny. been like at least a month since i been there. couldnt even finish my meal, and normally i was known for eating the fastest and the most. today when i ate the club sandwiches, i was the last to finish my meal. oh ya, we took lots of pictures on our way home. haha tyo even took the picture of bacardi 151, rico with dry gin, and me with jackdaniels. hahaha, really enjoyed the trip there.

i have like 4 loaves of sandwiches. 4 jumbo packs, to keep me alive for the rest of the week. how about that. i did nothing much today, i just realized i could also waste money by just sitting down at home. use my checkcard, and start swiping all over the internet. getting a calling card is like as easy as 1,2,3. thats really a bad habit. hahaha $14 for 4 hours of conversation, haha no wonder my friends called me the telephone calling card man.

my friends came over to my house today, tyo jeff dwi halim and imei. haha, i think they were pretty shocked about the sandwiches in my fridge. hahaha! i dont think they do believe that i will actually eat like so much sandwiches and go on a diet. halim and imei were like laughing at me, and ask me if mandy moore was the reason. HAHA, what a joke. so i told imei her FAVOURITE LINE which she always like to tell people " LOVE CONQUERS IT ALL ". haha and they were like laughing at me! and halim even had to eat bawang (fried onions) right infront of me. man, really makes me feel hungry. its like, i feel so sleepy and lethargic. perhaps due to the lack of carbohydrate. man i feel terrible at times. but yeah, i guess i dont have much of a choice do i? acutally i do, but i cancelled out the other option if they know what i mean. halim and imei left, and the 4 of us were gossiping again. my house has this table, ( the gossiping table ) for people like US to gossip about the other indonesians in the community. apparently, its a nice place to gossip because, in jeff + dwi + rico +raymond house, its too dirty and too little privacy. tyo house is too messy, and halim dn really have a table. hahaha. nvm thats nt my point.

i remembered telling someone that its feels great to live through the millenium. dwi was surfing the internet for a telescope. haha, i guess that guy is just too rich to be able to afford anything. i guess its nice to see the stars in the dark sky, and the bright full moon shinning on the ground. its just beautiful. like what me and dwi concluded, there are really so many things that we traded off to come america. those were perhaps priceless yet momentarily. he gave up his friends, just like mine to come here. gave up the chance to jc, and of course in return, we joined the high class society. the high class society of indonesians where everyone is pretty much of a hypocrite. how saddening. we got to widen our horizon, get to see things that we never see before in our life. one more month, its going to be autumn festival. would be the first time not spending autumn festival with my mum. feels weird. talking being hypocritical, haha those people who gossipped in my house were pretty much the same? lol. we were talking aboout rico, used to be halim. i wonder when is the day that they will talk about me. haha, i know they will, or maybe they already did. haha nvm, thats life. everyone wears a mask and because of that different people judge the same person differently. the society is so ..... nvm.

thanks for the hilary poster , tyo! haha now i have 4 of her poster. and did i telly ou that she looked gorgeous in this poster. hahahaha. i wish i can smile everyday, and people could open up more to me. i feel better listening to them, at least it doesnt makes me feel that only my life is screwed up. at the same time, i also want to have a shoulder to lie on, someone to hug when im sad, a pair of hands that will catch me when i fall backwards. i was online just now and saw somethings that was rather upsetting. if god existed, why dint god punish even though they are wrong? because they are a believer of god and im not? weird.

nvm. im too tired to think. its sad to say that my life is so dull, i would be happy if something colorful could enter my life.

shall sleep.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

the whole time today i was staring into blankspace. went to denny's diner yesterday night. had a little chat with dwi, rico and vickri. they gave me like updates about the ongoing stuff that happened when i was back in indonesia/singapore.

tried to sleep, but din't. You replied when i was just about to sleep and tyo came to my house to borrow the harddisk because his computer spoilt. tyo stayed at my house till 7.30am plus, and i called you. after many futile attempts in using my pathetic callingcard, i decided to buy a new card. of course, it was not as efficient as the old one. but at the very least, its able to call house phone in singapore. was quite a relieved to know that other card were able to make call house phone and also, that your housenumber wasn't cancelled by your mum.

we talked. you left. tried to sleep. ended up taking a nap for only 2 hours, before tyo's sms/call woke me up again. i was also having a rather uneasy dream at that point of time. i think im sick. sick in the mind, heart and ~~soul,~~ and physically due to the lack of sleep and emotional turbulence. ( i dont know if such a phrase exist but, oh well ). so i guess everyday im just catching around 4-5 hours of sleep. i just went to the supermarket. i saw my favourite chips and chocolate. i have no idea why, i just have no mood or appetite to eat. i ended up buying 2 jumbo loaf of sandwiches, lettuces and tuna to make sandwiches. so i have now, like 2 loaf of sandwiches in my fridge. think i'll buy more of that tomorrow, shall fill my fridge with all sandwiches and nothing else. healthy diet i guess. i wonder why would i do such a dumb thing called diet? sounds so not " darwin ". stoned at home, stare at the computer and hear the same old song repeating and repeating over and over again. just weird hearing mandymoore now. nvm. outta the point.

cant believe that im back to northridge apartments, facing indonesians again. im so tired so switching mask to cater to people at times. now that my mum is mad at me for being " irresponsible " because apparently i went out on the eve of departure ( it wasnt even eve, it was 4 hours before departure ), to meet you up. but i guess mom could be a little less paranoid and reprimand me as if i did something of a big mistake which i didn't. ( or maybe i did , i dont know ). its true that i was irresponsible. its the same thing, remember i once said that everything has a tradeoff. its just like economics, the production possibilties curve. everything has a trade off, and i guess this is what happens if you dont listen to mom. you get scolded even when you are not with her. pathetic. school starts and life sucks and then i'll start complaining and grumbling about life. but there would be people out there somewhere in the world who would want to switch position with me and be Darwin. people always want the opposite of things, because they are never satisfied. because they always regret for making the decision of not to take the other options. for example, people would regret that they dint go this jc or poly. when they don;t do well, they would think , oh maybe i would do better in poly. and when they are in poly, they would be, maybe academic work in jc would be better for me. i guess thats life, people learn to regret, but yet they just keep repeating the same mistake all over again. at least i know some of the things i did this year, i dint regret doing it. getting drunk, buying an ipod mini, taking the first puff of my life ( it was yesterday ), gaining that few kilograms because of over eating in indonesia ( damn it, it was worth it) and also meeting you. but yeah definitely, there are always more regrets in life then satisfaction. grass is always greener on the side ( thats what ewen always said to me ). alright, im sleepy enough.

people come, people go, step all over my face and tore me apart. but there was a lady who was willing to stitch my heart.

hmm sounds cool but crappy to me. it just came to my mind suddenly.
think maybe ill temporary blog lesser on this blog since its a public blog.

the moon is as beautiful as it was ever before.

its a pity that no one bothers to stop and take a second look at the beautiful full moon tonight. how depressing

Friday, August 19, 2005

today is the start of fall semester, its also a fullmoon. i guess the moon in america is much brighter, rounder, bigger and of course nicer. i was walking home from school just now, was lucky enough to get to see the fullmoon. its the very same moon that everyone see, be it from indonesia, singapore or america. i guess sometime the place or location isn't really the main issue, its just who you are with to appreciate the moon. my friends were eating dinner at my house just now, we cooked. i was wondering how long will such friendship last. maybe on the superficial side, we may seems close. but within us, including me, there have been a lot of backstabbing going on. yes, me included too. sometimes i just want to be isolated from the world for a moment. just for a moment, to enjoy the sunrise with someone close. maybe if god was kind enough, maybe he would freeze the time and stop it from moving. peharps then, i would be able to spend time with the ones i loved.

but, thats not gonna happen. so i think i;ll just slowly dream on and live my life in a fantasy.
tyo? you want to go back to singapore? hahaha. why the sudden urge. i guess singapore isn't that bad afterall. guess i was just biased against singapore. yes, i am still biased against singapore and singaporeans. my application for SSN would be approve, and my california ID would come. it has been weeks, yet my ID is still not here yet. makes me worry though.

nvm, i shall go sleep. lets hope that tomorrow will always be a better day. i guess thats all i can ask for.

ellende

Thursday, August 18, 2005

its like 5.39 am now. i am not exactly tired, so perhaps i shall write a brief summary of what i did for the last few days of my stay in singapore.

friday:
after i touched down, i went out with zihui and joyce. we met up at concourse, ate and went to "dove tower " where they arent any doves! but yeah, not my point. it was kinda breezy there, so we were there talking, and we parted at city-hall.

saturday:
gatheing with the primary school-mates. germaine, weisan, genim and her sister. germaine and genim is the same. haha as talkative as ever, just that germaine is the louder one. her voice is comparable to the thunder! as for weisan, she looked kind of hectic. errr, tired and worn out. like some dead zombie walking around. i know you guys are having examinations and O's, but do take care of your ownself. wanted to play badminton, but in the end we didnt.

sunday:
met up with wenxin, went to meet her in her house. she became skinny and she had braces on. attitude is the same, haha. after meeting wenxin i went home, and then .............. ( censored )

monday:
i met up with bingshun. he looks exactly the same as last time, just that he became a little more rebelious? haha. heard he got into some trouble in school with the DM. we played pool too, think hes skills are getting better. though the rule that he set for pool is weird! but anyway, afterwards i went to thomson plaza. i met up with shona there, she looked kinda " STUDIOUS type of people " but yeah. haha. we were like finding a place to sit ( ended up in the food court ) cause she was scared of meeting with her mom. yeah we talked a bit and i introduced my tutor to her. and shona, YES you better do well.

afterwards i took a cab to bugis junction. met up with ewen and censored again. haha, walked and on. i also bought a new wallet. someone chose the color for me. i think its nice, its black though itis from fx creation. walked around ate at ajisen ramen, went to army market and yeapps. went to the kallang beach area too, its a very nice place.

after censored going home, me and ewen had a chat at my house area. nothing much, and ewen is still trying to fold the star .

tuesday:

last day of the last few hours in singapore, and perhaps the best time of my entire stay.

content is still censored. haha

i left for america, and now im back here.
those who arent related can stop reading now.

the whole incident was just so weird. from going back to indonesia, and me accidentally stumbling upon " a walk to remember ". i bought it and watched it twice back there. i typed" i am sick, wont god send an angel and heal me" on the august 12. thats was my last day in indonesia. perhaps god did hear my prayers, maybe he really did. i went back singapore, and i accidentally also stumble upon your msn nickname. mandymoore, only hope? i wonder if it is fate or what. my last few days there was really great because of you. i mean, yeah. i can't really express it with words now perhaps. maybe you felt it when i was there with you? i don't know why i was crazy enough or you could say courageous to even say those things to you. i mean, normally people would normally use the phone internet or the more indirect way. thats what i think normally people would do, i dont know. i hope you are not too shocked or something, i cant really tell whether you were blushing or what, cause your face had always been red. hahaha. but i really enjoyed your company back there. like what i said, the whole entire trip was supose to be sucky, but you had to screw it up for me. i mean i was wondering how could this happen in such a short period of time. i really don't know. at first when i came back to asia, i wanted to go back to america. now that i amhere, i want to go back to singapore. sometimes, i wonder if the trip back to singapore was worth it afterall, it cost a couple of grands for the tickets and the expenses. but i guess, that trip was worth it. like what tyo ( my indodvc close friend ) had said, i learned to be thrifty. more importantly, i felt happy after 8 months in america because i met someone like you that i could " click ". its just weird. same radio, same camera ( ok its coincidence). cinderella story and a walk to remember. ( can't be that coincidence ) ok fine, maybe it was coincidence, but yeah. my friend said, if i believe in god, then it wouldnt be coincidence. its fate, i guess. from that trip back to indonesia and getting the CD, and meeting you. according to my friend, he said that you might be the angel that god sent. i was like hmmmmm. i dont know how will things work out now or the future, but i just want to say. thank you for everything (:

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh

Friday, August 12, 2005

you know, something you cant blame people for smoking. rather i should say, you shouldnt blame him too much for not stopping smoking. i guess at times, they need to find a way to relax, to do the things they want to make their mind relax. yes we all know smoking is unhealthy, but since his life is his, maybe he ought to be given a chance to make a choice. since he have already made that choice, that every enjoyment and pleasure he gets from the cigrattes will shorten his life, let it be! i guess drugs, smoking and habits are pretty much the same. once its in you, its hard to purge it out. unless you are forced to, most prolly you will continue till the rest of your life.

i cant get mandy moore out of my head. rather just that particular scene where mandymoore was kissed by shanewest. she was dressed in a light blue gown, and after singing only hope, she was kissed out of the blue. she din't resist, but she just closed her eyes and let him kissed. darn, that scence is like always repeating in my brain. something similar to hilary duff. though my faith and passion for duff had gone down like 20% due to outside interference. it wasn't really mainly the beauty of her face or her devilish body figure that attracted me to that scene. but it was her acting and perhaps the story plot. its like from you could see that innocence in her deep blue eyes. its like, you find something in it. not only that the story plot was real nice, but sometimes i wonder if it really happen in real life. i never experience high school in america. i was in singapore back den. maybe the other me in the other world had a chance to study in america or maybe in indonesia for high school? infinite stars with infinite opportunities. i dont know if i should be counted as lucky or what, since there are other darwins who are more fortunate then me, and also least fortunate. maybe the other me, had already met the life time partner of his, or maybe hes just like me. seriously, duff and mandy moore. duff have a nice face i say, duff has the more ermm. what do you call it. mandy moore got the more girlish look, haha, and mandy moore isn't really that PRETTY if you observed carefully. i liked the way she talked . she was so innocent. word by word, speaking slowly. darn. now i have totally no taste for singaporeans. hahahaha.

i was on SQ 157 today, singapore airline. superb indeed, just only for one thing. the singapore singlish onboard the national carrier. hahaha, the stewardess can't even speak properly. putting AH AH AH behind all the words they said. what a joke! but yeah. im sure there are some nice singaporeans out there that i havent met. but the pool is so smart, i bet all of the girls i seen is like .....

think im selfish or smth, i wanted a girl that started out fresh. at least with her virginity? i dont know why. think im an ass or smth, but i did say that humans are selfish. even i myself too, want the best for myself. i wonder if i would be able to accept a girl who is not a virgin, haha, i would most probably be shocked to death if i found out that the girl i liked wasnt a virgin. angmohs? i doubt i can satisfied their sexual desire or something. think their HOLE is so big, and my STICK is so small, at least its small if you compare it to the caucasians. ASIA DICKS are nothing. its viceversa too, even a caucasian screw an asian, most probably the girl would cry to death. haha but its not my point. angmohs? haha. i think maybe mum would kill me. but afterall, its my life, why cant i take charge? she says im too young to handle anything, but she still give me responsibilites to carry. how irrational of her! but i doubt any caucasians girls wouuld have an eye for asian chinese.

hahaha, i dont know. i just have this feeling that my expectations are too high, yet im not even fit to get someone that high? i don't even have the requirements for getting a girl who is that good. haha i want her to be pretty, kind, somesort like the mandymoore in the show just except for the leukemia. hahahahaha. maybe i should go get an A.I in the future and fall in love with it. maybe it would be a better choice as compared real humans.

i dont know why but i do get a little troubled, just a little about my future. haha, i always wonder if any of my friends here will become my future bridge or smth, but it looks kind of hopeless. hahaha. and i also think who would be the girl or women who would spend the rest of her life till the end of my time. hahahahahaha. i should stop watching love story before i get absolutely ridiculous.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

i am sick, won't god send an angel to heal me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EWEN

again im wasting my cousin's internet bill to come online to blog and chat. today is another food for thought day, though i pretty much have forgotten about the contents that i am going to write about. there are always new things that i want to talk about inside my mind. it just that it happened at different times, and i always forget bout it after i reached home or smth. short term memory? see, i wanted to say smth about something, but again i missed it again.

but i do remember one thing though, i just finished A WALK TO REMEMBER. really dint make the wrong choice to buy this vcd. it was really really worth buying it. the show was like so nice, the storyline itself was so nice. i think i would have cried badly if i was a girl. the story is so . . . touching? err, i guess thats not the kind of thing you would expect to come out from DARWIN's MOUTH. yeah darwin is always cursing and swearing at this couple and that couple. being saddistic about people's relationship is his hobby. but this show is really, NGAWUR COK. though most probably when i wake up tomorrow i wil eventually forget about everything. but just for tonight, i want to give the show 5/5! two thumbs UP! the author of this story must be a great genius to even come up with such a plot. i mean the story is so nice? how should i put it. the way they fell in love with each other, is like so FAIRY TALE LIKE. and yes, i do like fairy tales though i know it hardly happens. the way mandy moore sang with her gown, and shane west kisses her. it just makes my heart goes thump thump thump! i mean, damn. im already running out of words to even praise the show. but the way they fall in love, is really so nice. so much better then those stories in the comic. much more practical, much more nicer, much much more lovely then any others i watched. mandy moore looked so innocent up in the show. with that long socks, brown hair, and the long sleeve shirt and skirts. who said that you need to look cool to attract pretty people? ( though most of the time it worked that way ). but yeah, the show was really fascinating, astonishing, astounding and truly amazing. at least it amazed me. haha. fine im going nuts, its like after talking about the show, i cant think of what else to write.

but also, we could do some self-reflection on the show. firstly, i doubt most people's mum would not allow their kids to get married at 18. or rather allow their children to marry someone who is sick, perhaps with leukemia? i doubt my mum would allow me to do that. think she will really kill me if i do fall in love with someone so sick with an illiness. the show still fascinate me now. i wonder how did landon ( the guy ) marry ( jamie )? despite he knowing her that she is ill with a sickness like leukemia. also, i wonder WHY DID MY MUM PUT ME IN A PLACE LIKE SINGAPORE? and there i met bitches and uglies and more uglies and more bitches and more fuckers. darn, why din't she put me in a place like AMERICA? or maybe PETRA in SURABAYA? ( though im not sure if surabaya girls are THAT pretty, according to jeff, THEY ARE!. but since he bullshit most of time, i shall take back what i said. ) WHY DIDNT SHE PUT ME IN AMERICA. i would perhaps met duff? or some other girls? at the very least, i wouldn't have singapore accent.

i would die just to fall in love like those in movies. yeah, darwin you would always say its stupid. but right now at this moment, i am feeling stupid. yeah, call me dumb? i wouldn't mind. cause im dumbfounded too. but too bad, all the pretty girls are always with the bad guys, they are all gone. haha, with my current qualifications, nobody would want me. or perhaps love wasnt about money and qualifications? where did all the girls go? i am pretty certain i like girls who are more simple, but not that simple till they are like so kampung. those who are kind by nature, AAHHH just like the MANDY MOORE in the walk to remember. just EXCLUDE the leukemia, and that would be perfect. but again, come to think about it, if they were to carry on. the story would be so dry and boring, till they get married and have kids. that would be pretty boring. thats why they say that good things never last forever. its like falling in love is great, as for the rest. its all about commitment and on. i do believe that love would run dry, i cant imagine facing a grandma ( 50 years from now ) who would be my wife and me getting old with wrinkles all over the body. that is so scary! i guess people like me are just too kiddy to even treat love properly. just ain't old enough or mature to comprehend " love ". haha those kiddy teenagers who talk about love, think it just would just last while. temporary? think im in no position to talk about it. haha, but i am sure that i would want my next girlfriend to be my wife. or rather make my wife my next girlfriend. but if it doesnt work out, i shan't force myself. haha! nevermind. i think im way too influenced by the show. EWEN, i think i will fail more people in singapore. lol, standard raised again.

i am feeeling way too high to even scold the TIKOS. by the way shona, TIKOS is like a racist statement or name for the muds in indonesia. i don;t really like them, but today i shall not PURSUE the matter in insulting them since i am feeling so HIGH today. but im still wondering, what kind of life will god give me in the near future. i am already 17 this year, i do think that i am pretty OLD now. not that i want to laugh at singaporeans, but i wonder if the goverment have any brains to put the guys into NS. 25 when they graduate. thats so . . . pathetic. ruin the future of anyone who wants to strike rich. fine, whatever.

but still, the show is still...

breathtaking. i wonder if the show is really THAT nice or was it mandy's pretty face that attracted me. hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

this is my 2nd entry written in indonesia, not in msword, but in blogger itself. needed to kill sometime here, too bored. tyo and jeffry is sleeping, shona ewen is not online,zihui and joyce is not online, and andre is feeeling too emo. haha, so i guess i have no choice but to blog.

i guess everyone notice, i think this is my newtemplate based on hilary duff. haaaa, damn i just love this new template. think duff is just so pretty in that gown with that tiara on the head, gorgeous. shes young, beautiful and kind. WAAHH.. i think i have to work extra harder, to be someone famous and with great influence so i can meet up with duff. sounds stupid, but its still a good motivation isnt it?

yesterday was my cousin's birthday. not really fun, since they are so busy studying for their tests etc. haha, i wrapped this empty box with like 50 sheets of newspaper, ( around 50 i suppose?) and inside the box is nothing except for junks. haha, but i gave her the real present after she unwrap the dummy present. i bought her a brown bag with the brand printed in pink. ulber cool i say! haha. i hope she is happy with her present. and today is singapore's birthday, im happy enough that i don't have to hear those dumb fireworks and those lousy fighter jets flying over the sky. with all channels on the national day parade, aahh its like what the hell. i wonder how come my mum likes singapore? everything is weird there. friends, places, people. even walking there feels weird to me now.

im too used with the usage of singlish, though im much better off as compared to those indonesians who cant speak english properly. but its pretty sucky when i compare myself to americans, those accent. yes they are cool, but im not trying to act cool, its just that singlish is pretty disgusting. i think i need to stay in america for like 10 - 20 years before i can catch their accents. or rather i should stay with the americans one day, so i can improve on my english. that would be a lot better. i don't know, somehow now i feel like cutting off all connection with singapore. but yeah, its pretty hard. and one thing for sure, i dont want to marry a singaporean. HA, i shall not speak so soon, i am really really afraid that i will fall in love with a singaporean. and i really really hate myself it really happen. why? cause im like always cursing singapore 24/7. im not saying that singaporeans are bad, but its just that over the past decade, singapore have really implanted a very badimpression inside my brain. i know where ever i go, i would definitely meet unhappy things, be it america or indonesia. racism, arguments or conflict are bound to occur. or perhaps its because after coming to america, i changed so drastically. always trying to be part of the high class society? so i band singapore as a low class society? but i realized that singaporeans are pretty rich. it just happens that my friends ARENT, ( except for shona, shes FILTHY RICH! ). hahaha, bwahs. its too complicated, singapore doesnt even want me! as for amerika, hmm i hope they will accept me. but being an asian in america is pretty boring unless you have friends there. however, im pretty certain those people would be leaving america pretty soon after their degree. heh, oh well.

i bought myself a pretty watch today! yeah cost a bomb too, i guess in life, everything revolves around money, money and money, i wonder if the world could spin without money. i watched the island with my cousin yesterday. the show was kinda long but the story line wasn't that bad. 3.5 stars outta 5! thumbs up. i also watched taxi 2, taxi 3, a view from the top and the beach at home. not bad, and i realized french are sexy with their brown hair and blue eyes. seductive. those their you just want to have SEX with! paris, a city of love and HEHEHEHEHEHE- SEX! but thats not my point. are asians getting uglier or what? aint the case. today while i was eating at FISH and CO indonesia, i saw few pretty ladies, who were tall and had long slim legs. nice hair and very thin make up. i also saw another tall woman who wore a mini skirt, she was damn tall too. pretty - pretty. oh ya, i forgot to mention that i spent like 200000rp on a meal today with my cousin. and i told my mum that it only cost 100000rp, and she was already like complaining and complaining. imagined if she found out that i had spent twice the price, she would most probably skin me alive. overspent my money i guess. but yeah, talking about pretty girls. what happened to the indonesians! i wonder i dint see the pretty one because they were in school, or its because they had all run away to other countries. the tikos ( means native ) are getting prettier, and the chinese are getting more and more weird. hmmmm.

alright i shall stop typing here, this entry is getting more and more boring.

Monday, August 08, 2005

This entry was written Indonesia, 7th of august.

I am blogging on msword again. Because I felt that, there was a need to jot and blog about what has been happening here. It seems to me lately, many many things have cross my mind, there are like lots of commotion going on inside my brain.

Yes dad, I might have spend over 2 grand sing just on airfare to come back, but somewhat this 2 grand I felt it was worth it. Because perhaps, it taught me a lesson that money cant buy ( or maybe I haven’t learn the lesson yet ). Many things happened lately, 8 months away from Asia, many things that I was used to have changed, friends, family, environment, and ultimately me. Sometimes, I cannot blame anyone that things have changed, because I myself changed. I know where I changed and transform to. Good or bad, time will tell. I saw my granny… Ok that’s the end of story cause that is private!

Yes I am being an ass for doing that, I know. But oh well, what to do. you see, now my mind is blank, I cant think of anything to write now. Just now on the way home, I had so much things to tell and grumble about, yet now I can’t think of anything at all. Pathetic me, is my memory failing me or what.

Let’s talk about me first, maybe other things will come up to my mind later. Yes, I have changed. I got so influence badly in America that I see money is nothing, so now I splurge money like I am a millionaire. But the sad thing is I am not, because if I was, I would have buy a new cellphone for myself. I know I am trying to be somebody I am not, yeah im rich. Kiss my asshole. Or rather because I seen other richer people out there, I consider myself poor? My attitude is wrong, the way I talk, the way I act, as if I am somewhat a rich kid. But the fact that I am not, makes me sound like a total jackass when it comes to money. Last time back in Singapore, I was much more thrifty as compared to know. i would just grab any food, any clothes to see if the size fits me and I will start to think whether I should buy. But now, I would just grab the shirt and start thinking and converting it into US currency, and I will go like, “ hey, its cheap, just get it”. I make money sound so little to me, yet I only earned $50 in my whole life which was through working part time for my brother’s girlfriend’s family. Maybe I am not fit to talk about money for now, yeah. I know that. But one thing for sure I will need to make a lot of money in the future, there are too many things waiting for me to do in the future with that pile of money. My mind now, is all filled up with money. When I see cars now, I go like WAH, that’s a BMW, that’s a CLS and on. I remembered last time, I wouldn’t even give a second look to a car. Because to me last time, cars are just scraps of metal for showing off. But now? Yes cars are for showing off, so do I want to show off to people that I can drive and I am this and that. I remembered last time, when handphone is the one do the talking. Owning a $700-800 phone last time in secondary school is like wah, using my 02 and nokia 9210 last time, catching the attention of people on the train. But now? Phones that cost only a few hundred dollars are just merely toys for kids. Even those stupid dumbasses ahpei hold a 9500 in their hands. My conclusion is that, I have changed. My attitude stinks, I know that, that’s why in order to keep up with my stinky attitude ( which I intend to in the future ), I gotta work hard and be rich. By hook or crook, just get rich.

Today there was this Chinese women who just drive me nuts. As in really nuts, I was so pissed for the whole dinner. Because I was like with my family looking at specs which were on discount. So unlucky coincidence, my aunt friend came. She said something like, oh what brand is this, and then she went on ranting about half-frame specs. Hello Miss Auntie with pathetic hairstyle, I would give a second thought on cumming my sperms on your face even though it is covered with some pathetic diamonds which looked pretty fake to me. And since you are driving a pathetic Kijang Innova, mind YOU, even prasetyo is driving a land cruiser. So please get lost and I never want to see your stinking face again. since you want to pretend to me rich, please be rich with manners. Cause your manners just show me that you are an asshole who try to show off some pathetic tiny jewels that means nothing to me. Worse off, you dint even earn that money. You married someone, what a dumb ass. If that was the case, its your husband that is rich, not you. so pussy face, get lost.

That dumb bitch just drive me nuts for the whole day. Because the whole journey home I was cursing and swearing at her, my mum scolded me so badly I was got even more pissed. Yes yes yes, im done with scolding that dumbass.

Now now, what should we talk about? Perhaps we should talk about friends.
Ewen is about the same, just that he grumbles more as compared to last time in secondary school. Andre changed quite a bit, ever since he entered SAJC, hes been acting so weird. So not Andre. LIKE HELLO? Andre would pick up rubbish that I threw on the ground? What is this? Lawful Singaporean? The one who threw sand and make stupid vandalism on public properties? I guess its because andre met some girls and changed. I mean, its pretty expected. He was in a boy school for 10 years, I bet he can’t even harbour dirty thoughts on girls. Too innocent. Tsktsk. But no doubt, them going to jc, me going to America, we definitely drifted apart. From the outwar gang, to the orionbelt, where each star are separated yet aligned together. What does it means? Outwar gang separated, to 3 stars which had separated, yet still being bonded by the past ( why it is aligned ). Good explanation isn’t it? But I still feel sort of relieve to see you guys alive and kicking and of course, having a new life. I guess outwar and orionbelt is just part of my life in the past, for me to look back the wonderful and yet pathetic days in maris stella high school. At least it wasn’t wasted.

Now lets talk about me and the surroundings. No doubt I pissed mum many times, I guess I inherited my mum’s characted. I can even quarrel with mum on the second day back in Singapore, haha how lucky can I be? Coming back to Indonesia sure makes me realized something that I dint. Not everyone is so fortunate like me to go to school, just basic schooling. Some of them can’t even afford to pay for school. Talk about America? Definitely a heavy investment. I really want to study hard, next fall, lets do another perfect GPA. I will and I will do it. i can do it for summer. I will do it for fall too. I am pretty sure I am able to do it. if tyo can do it, so can i. but that’s not my point, its holiday, lets not talk bout studies. Since America holidays are like, just pure holidays. No such things called holiday homeworks or project work, so it isn’t so bad. But yeah, I guess god is good enough to give me a good basic life. And the rest of it, I have to work for it I guess. I guess it is human nature to push the blame to someone for things that happened in life, as for me, I push it to god. I guess I am just pathetic in doing that. But haha, I guess that is my way of relieving stress and burdens. Its too heavy for me to carry the responsoblity. I don’t ask for anything much from god, I just ask him to protect my family, safe and sound, happy and joyful. As for the rest, you don’t have to give me extra blessings or what, cause im gonna work damn hard for it. I will, and I will do it that way.

Now lets talk bout Singaporeans. Yes, my favourite topic. And of course, we also need to talk about SIA GIRLS. Man, they have heavnly figure. Those that would be so perfect on bed. Bulging breast, tinny waist, tight ass. HEH. Don’t scold me, but that’s how they wear their uniform. How seducing, BUT they don’t have a pretty face. But they have nice and silky hair though. Haha, I can’t imagine any of my friends to become air stewardess. I can’t think of any that has even those features that I mentioned. Perhaps someone of them could have a addition for PADDINGs for their breasts, to make it look bigger. Perhaps that would do the job for them. Singapore? What can I say. I grew up in this little city that bragged its services and hospitality as a nation. Firstly, I want to point out, the Singaporean accent really really sucked. It is so irritating, I rather hear some Surabaya slang than hearing the Singaporean style of speaking. Not even mandarin is spared, it sound so EEEEWW. How EEW can it be? And the idea of Singaporeans bragging? Man I can take it. yes, I am cursing and scolding Singapore again, and they would be like, look! What Singapore has given you. and then I will start explaining those shit again how I don’t owe them anything. Nvm. I just don’t like Singaporeans. Not that I hate them. But they do digust me. I feel disgusted, having a part of the Singaporean accent. I am glad that I won’t be celebrating singapore’s birthday. Hearing those stupid Singapore songs again. …. What about indonesians? Hahaha. Pretty much hypocritical, that’s all I can say. You want to know? go and find out yourself.

I just thought of something, something not so pleasant. Thus I shall stop writing. My word count is 1800+ which is actually enough for me to submit for my respone essay. Hahaha, its 2.47 am now, I shall catch some sleep before the sun rises again. cciaos.